Stop looking for social approval
Estimated read time: 2 minute & 13 seconds
This is not a problem extroverts typically have, but introverts often struggle with confidence in social situations.
What I come to realize is that a lot of times you don’t need more confidence.
What you need is to stop seeking approval from other people.
If we define confidence as the feeling of certainty and self-assurance, it’s pretty hard to feel that way all the time.
Being socially confident is tricky because many things affect it.
For example, if you have strong social skills, you are more likely to be confident.
If you are good-looking, you are more likely to be pretty confident.
If you are rich, you are more likely to feel confident.
I hundred percent agree we should all improve our social skills.
And yes, you can work on improving your appearance and try to make more money. But it’s kind of unhealthy when we place too much value on appearance or money (I’m not saying they are not important).
Let's use an extreme example to illustrate this point.
Let’s say you just lost your job due to the recession, and you barely have any money saved up because you’ve been helping to pay for your mom’s hospital bills.
A friend tells you that your high school reunion coming up, and you feel very insecure about attending.
You also have a 10-year-old son who has a huge nose and buck teeth, and his classmates constantly tease him at school. This causes him not to want to go to school and interact with people.
Do you see the problem?
Both you and your hypothetical son are feeling bad yourself based on things that are not completely within your control...
So what's the alternative?
Instead of trying to be more confident in social settings, you should practice stop looking for social approval from other people.
Then it doesn't matter if you're unattractive, broke, or socially awkward, because you won’t care what most people think of you.
You also have to redefine what you value in yourself — preferably things that are completely within your control.
For example, I value hard work and treating people with respect. So if I am working hard and treating people with respect, then I shouldn’t care about what most people think of me.
Now, if people want to offer constructive feedback, I’ll listen. But most people don't have the guts to say the negative things they are thinking to your face.
Okay, despite me going on and on about stop looking for social approval, 9 months after I published what you just read above, I slightly changed my mind about this.
I came across a viewpoint that I quite agree with by writer Taryn Thompson:
Please stop telling people they never need validation from others. It’s a lie.
Self-validation is absolutely crucial, but so is external validation— to our need of acceptance and belonging, and even emotional regulation.
Please validate the people you love— their feelings, ideas, and identity. Especially when they’re hurting.
So yes, we still need some validation from the people we care about, and we need to give validation to the people we care about.
Cheers!
-George 🐙