Why marriages fail
Estimated read time: 2 min & 31 secs
Heyy guys,
I found an interesting graph about how Americans spend time with the people in their lives.
The image might be hard to see on your phone, so you want to click here to see an interactive graph.
But the first thing you’ll notice is how much time we spend alone. It's a lot, and it increases as we get older.
The second person we spend the most time with is our partner. When the graph says “partner,” it’s broad—it means people you’re either married to or in a serious romantic relationship with.
But what’s striking is how much more time we spend with our romantic partner compared to anyone else, such as our kids, parents, friends, and coworkers.
For those of you that want to get married, who you marry might be the most important decision you’ll ever have to make.
For those of you who are already married, keeping your marriage healthy and thriving might be one of your biggest responsibilities.
Yet, most people don’t spend much time thinking about why marriages fail, and how to prevent it.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Dr. John Gottman studied more than 3,000 married couples over a long period of time. (kinda creepy, but very effective)
He identified four key factors, which he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The four horsemen are strong signs that a relationship will up end in divorce.
I highly recommend you guys to go watch Dr. John Gottman's video on YouTube to learn about these horsemen.
Because in this email, we’ll only be talking about two of them.
Criticism
Let's pretend I'm in a relationship with an imaginary wife. (“Hi, Sammy!”)
And let’s say I left the toilet seat up for the hundredth time before going to sleep. Sammy hates it when I do that.
A bad way for her to complain would be, "You always leave the toilet seat up! You're so inconsiderate! You NEVER think about anyone but yourself!"
Ouch. That's a direct attack.
That kind of complaint hurts because it attacks the person's character and who they are. A lot of these and we will end up getting divorced.
A better way to complain would be, “Finding the toilet seat up in the middle of the night is really frustrating for me. Could you please try to remember to put it down?”
The second way is better because you're not attacking the person. You're addressing a specific behavior. You're telling them how you feel and what you need from them.
The happy healthy relationships complain the second way.
Defensiveness
When someone brings up a complaint—like my imaginary wife complaining about the toilet seat—how do you respond?
There are a few common ways people react.
One way is to respond with a counter-complaint: “Well, what about all the times you left your shoes in the hallway?” This will probably escalate the argument.
Another way is to make excuses and play the victim: “Oh, I'm just so forgetful. I'm so tired at night.”
Counter-complaints and playing the victim over a long period will lead to divorces or unhappy marriages.
What works best for healthy, long-lasting relationships is when the person receiving the complaint takes responsibility.
In this case, I could say something like, “You know what, you're right. I'll try to be more mindful of that.”
A lot of times the other person's complaint might not be entirely your fault, but there is probably something you did that made the other person uncomfortable.
Figure out what that something is, and apologize for that.
Dr. John Gottman found that even taking a little responsibility is a lot better than playing the victim or firing back with a counter-complaint.
That’s it for this post.
My imaginary wife is telling me to take out the garbage. Bye.
-George 🐙
Very interesting! But fucking sad! I can't believe how long an American stays alone in his life. I'm sure the graphic would be different for a country in Asia. Family would probably be the highest line.